changing for the better?
dear diary,
its been a while since i came bac writing, no maybe for a long time. while im not here to brag that im happy or neither am i sad, though most will be sad. well within the time that i hav been away i have been studying, ya rite! i've been bluffing myself acting as though im study but no im not though i TRY to study but i still cnt, im not trying to say that i wanna forget study now cus this is the only chance i got. but i seriously cnt get the jest out of the books like how easily the express students r doing... im very afraid. i dnt knw how my life is gonna be when i grow up.
aside from o's, things in my career are kind of moving with the heartlander thinggy but guess seems like no one saw the talent in me... well but im not gonna say that i wanna quit cus its my passion. whether i will get discovered will be another thing, so many ppl out there r more talented than me and much more handsome than i am but it makes no excuse for me to give it up. i would kill myself if i were to give up.
hmm... lets talk about love life thats wat i wanna focus today. well read this its not faking or wat so ever after chasing 6 girls through the spent of 3 years i jus got rejected like no ones business well i guess only i knw the prob and maybe the critics. the worst thing of all is that the girl that i like up till now though i deny to her is giving me a cold shoulder. a very cold one i must say i would say that im not ready to get into a deep relationship with her but however i would like to get to knw her as a friend but still whenever i try my best to make conversation with her i jus get the avoiding thing she does to me. she is very sweet and she doesnt dao ppl like some girls do. it jus hurts me that maybe this could be the best thing that could happen to me but it wouldnt be able to happen...
and i wanna raise a fact that im not chasing a girl to hide that im gay. if u guys wanna perseve me as one i cnt do much its ur mind not mine but i jus hope that those that hav nothing better to do jus shut ur gap about me being gay if u hav any proves then show it! my life is bad enough i dnt need more ppl to fuck my love life im fucking 18 in december and i havent got a stead. i dnt knw how is it like to hav a girl friend how is it like to be loved by someone. i knw there r ppl out there that r worst than me but i jus need someone to love and share my life with.
jus today i suddenly felt that my sister's friends were talking about me being gay.... well i dnt knw why but i hav this feelings and can jus see it through their eyes. i dnt wana hav anythign to do to them but they r jus a bunch of bitches who r thinking that they r hot and stuffs well lets jus say they r TRYING very hard... and to my shock when i brought this up to my sis she jus replied "yea, they did say u r gay anyone else whould also think that way" well frankly speaking when i heard that my heart jus dropped i dnt knw whther it was the prediction that the girls would say that or its the things that my sis said. maybe she is young and she isnt close to me to knw how it feels to be constantly tormented by ppl's comments.
hmmm should i be sad? or not be sad? im here about to cry, but also feeling useless and lost on how i can be perseve more as a MAN than a Gay. its so cruel how ppl label others by how they look. i strive so hard VERY HARD i must say to be as manly as i can be but wat i get r jus hurting insults that im jus gay. well im not gonna blame you guys maybe one day i will turn gay? who knws... all this torture is making me think twice about my sexual identity. its very sad that how i can be brought to a level where i hav to think of it this way... im very sad depressed on always striving to be out standing but seems like its something that im long non competitive of... my energy level has died down...
however it is, tmr is my o's oral exams. im jus gonna suck it all up and jus go on with life. its true when ppl say "who the hell would give a fuck about urself rather than urself?" thats true... i only hav myself to protect against all this crap. well diary thats all im gonna say how life is gonna be soon i dnt knw but i wish that i could change to make ppl hav a different impression on me.
